I like your animals. I do not like your animal owners. *

I grew up with dogs. Well, not literally; I wasn’t raised by wolves or anything. I would love to have a dog now, but **sarcasm alert** the Husband’s allergies prevent that particular avenue of joy in my life. I enjoy watching the squirrels frolic gaily in our yard as they drop deadly acorn missiles from our oak trees. The five guinea pigs we once owned were endearing, though their poop and errant pine-shaving bedding were not.

Having established my great love for animals, I will now outline my disgust for some animal owners.

Cat owners 
There are at least four cats that roam our neighborhood at will. I know this because I see them in my trees, smell their poo in my flower beds, and see the dead flowers they have peed on. Here’s the deal: If you’re too lazy to keep your cats indoors and deal with a litter box yourself, what makes you think it’s okay for them to use my yard for their toilet? AND if you love your #@% cats as much as you say you do, then – Holy Feline Pancakes, Batman! – why do you send them out to dart between cars all day long?

The worst of the garden poo offenders. It thinks it's being all cool and stalk-y.

The worst of the garden poo offenders. It thinks it’s being all cool and stalk-y.

Owners of small yapping dogs 
They’re bad enough in the day time, trying to assert their dominance over anything that strays within 100 feet of the fence. When two yards full of them (there are FOUR small, yapping genetic defects in the yard behind us) go out at the same time, each trying to prove its alpha-ness, the cacophony makes my staunchly anti-gun fingers itch for a pellet gun. I wouldn’t be aiming for the dogs.

Worse is the night-time yapping. There are several mutants nearby that squeak intermittently after dark. Sorry, but if your dog is screaming it’s your job to go out and shut it up, even when you’re in your pj’s. Last night, our next door neighbors were away overnight, but left their small dog home alone to party in the back yard. The dog barked the Whole. Entire. Night.

Is it really so hard to be a responsible pet owner? Is there some secret ingredient in pet dander that robs some pet owners of all clues? I don’t know, but if yapping dogs keep me awake again tonight, the fur will fly.

*Apologies to Ghandi for misquoting his profound statement about Christians.


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