ABC’s of Parenting: “G” for gravity’s surprising effects on families

A law universally understood by parents yet unacknowledged by the physical science community:

Physicists are currently studying whether the "rubber toddler" effect may create stronger G-forces than a space shuttle launch.

Physicists may one day study whether the “rubber toddler” effect may create stronger G-forces than a space shuttle launch.

Pockets of highly concentrated gravitational pull exist in certain family situations, in certain family members, and at the most inconvenient and embarrassing of times.

Case Studies:
•The “rubber toddler” effect: Approximately 4 G’s. Occurs most often in grocery stores (especially when said toddler is wedged into a shopping cart) and parking lots. The child loses all bones and concentrates his/her weight into a solid mass of gravitational pull, resulting in parent’s absolute inability to lift or otherwise shift toddler.

•The “deaf spouse” effect: Approximately 3 G’s. Occurs in the middle of the night, when baby has been crying for several minutes, heard only by parent who has already been up with baby several times. Deaf spouse not only loses hearing, but becomes unable to move due to excessive gravity.

•The “I have to get to a place where I can save” effect: Approximately 2 G’s. Occurs in young people playing any type of electronic game, as an automatic response when asked to do anything besides sit in one spot and play the electronic game. Most prevalent when dinner is ready, when grandparents are on the phone asking to speak to child, or when toys/socks and shoes/jackets/homework need to be picked up and put away.

•The “battery-drained” effect: Approximately 4 G’s. In this situation, two distinct parental units experience the same sudden increase of gravity at the same time, completely disabling each unit’s mobility. Predictably occurs after 11:00 p.m., only moments before one child (thought to finally be asleep) makes its way downstairs for the fifth time in one evening.

At this time, parents are stumped by these pockets of increased gravity, as no remedy appears to exist. A resolution will soon be presented to the U.N. that would require all physicists worldwide to have at least two small children in their household. Only then will this gravitational mystery have any hopes of being solved.


4 thoughts on “ABC’s of Parenting: “G” for gravity’s surprising effects on families

  1. Hahaha! You’re making me remember those early years. The teen, going into responsible adult makes all the early stuff seem like learning the abc’s. 🙂


    • I was just thinking the same thing yesterday. As tiring as diapers, refusal to nap, and tantrums were, the complex problems as the get older are much more challenging!


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