It’s a temporary thing, I’m sure, but I. Am. Wiped. Nothing left today.
In truth, things are looking a little brighter around this household than they have for a while. The problem is my level of energy for dealing with said “things.”
Middle Sister, who, I am still glad to say, chose two years ago to attend and in-town university and live at home, has basically been ill about half the time since last October. After tons of testing, a surgery, and several attempts to solve the problem, nothing was changing.
But we spent this morning in the hospital so she could have an upper G.I. Cut to the chase: It was WAY simpler and faster than we expected, she recovered from the procedure almost immediately, and (this is the best bit) we’re pretty sure the doc got to the bottom of why she’s nauseous for a large part of every day. Apparently it’s an unusual after-effect of her surgery, and some medication as she continues to recover should make a big difference.
So I should be celebrating, right? Her relief at getting a reasonable answer immediately after the procedure was a beautiful thing to behold. And yet, pretty much all I feel is exhaustion. I was expecting a thoroughly nasty morning, a thoroughly nasty recovery period, and several days’ wait for results. I think the worry I’d been feeling in the last few weeks as we waited for this procedure – and the fact that I’ve been her main line of support for all these months – has simply worn me out.
But there’s more positive news. After being laid off last week, The Husband has been in contact with a good company. There’s a pretty good chance he can get a position there, and we should know about it (as well as getting more leads on other jobs) within a week.
Again, I should be celebrating, right? And yet, all I can think is “here we go again.” After the absolutely miserable way 2014 started out, with him having two major setbacks in his career change that equalled three months out of work (not to mention the three months out of work prior to that time when he was in school for the new job), I’m simply feeling pessimistic. Here’s my thought process: Probably something unexpected and catastrophic will happen AGAIN. Probably we’ll be stuck again for months, throwing a dart at a dartboard to choose which bills to pay this month and which ones to get “pay up or else” notices about. Probably this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life.
I honestly think there’s an element of PTSD in the mix here. It’s not just the trauma of the truly difficult circumstances we’ve lived through around here in the last nine months. Compounding those nine months are more than 20 years of accumulated exhaustion from living with the effects of depression, anxiety, and rampant ADHD in my husband.
It’s not a subject I ever intended to bring up on “Mom Goes On.” But it is a subject that significantly affects my job as “mom,” and most certainly my job as “wife.” Most of the time I’m tough (or maybe just in denial). Most of the time I look to the bright side and try to keep my chin up.
But just for today (I hope…because I really need to get back to a more upbeat existence tomorrow) overload is just where I’m at.