10. If the high temperature of the day is 97 with a heat index of 104, it will still be unbearably hot at the 8:00 curtain time.
8. Don’t sit near a guy who brought a personal, battery-operated fan that rattles and buzzes so loudly it drowns out the actors’ lines.
7. Don’t wear a super-cool set of jewelry that matches your outfit perfectly but is so bulky and heavy that it sticks to your sweaty skin as if it had been super-glued.
6. For God’s sake wear your hair up to avoid death by sweat.
5. Don’t be distracted by the birds that repeatedly fly across the stage throughout the show, even though you can’t stop imagining that they’re deliberately trying to get their 15 minutes of fame. “Look at me! Look at me!”
4. Remember that even outdoor theater requires theater etiquette. Show up before the curtain goes up, you lazy fools!
3. Just because concessions are open through the first act, that does not mean it’s appropriate to continually walk back and forth for popcorn, lemonade, hot dogs, and beer. It’s not a ball game.
2. Please ignore my daughter, who is (relatively quietly) singing along with her favorite songs, accompanied by silly hand motions. To be fair, it wasn’t a huge crowd and we were in a section with few other patrons.
1. Do NOT – I repeat, DO NOT – wear drawstring linen pants. Because when you stop in the restroom on the way to your seat, the linen drawstring will snap and leave you without any way to keep those pants from falling down around your ankles. This tip may be ignored if you or any of the twenty women waiting in line happen to have a safety pin in your purses. If there are no safety pins forthcoming even after you throw yourself on the mercy of your fellow pee-ers, you will be reduced to walking to your seat with your hands folded up in front of your waist as if you were a nun, in an effort to surreptitiously keep the waistline of your pants somewhere near your waist. And then you will find standing for the national anthem (and why is that a thing at public gatherings, anyway?) extremely difficult. You will also be unwilling to make the long trek to the restroom during intermission, lest you become a walking illustration of “pants on the ground.”